Link 19 Feb 7 notes Exhaling Ink: The Drill»


You almost don’t hear the knock, it’s so soft. As soon as you do however, you know who it is: her. She’s the only one who ever knocks - thinks the doorbell is too loud and obnoxious - even if it means earning bruised knuckles during the times you’ve been asleep and she’s had to wake you. No need…

Link 19 Feb 5 notes Exhaling Ink: Dear Possible Future Lover,»


Should you be considering investing your heart in me, there are some things I would have you know, before leaving you to decide of your own volition whether to withdraw or advance. This is to avoid hurting you, for if you know me enough to actually consider falling for me then chances are I…

Link 19 Feb 208 notes Exhaling Ink: Upon letting someone be miserable with you»


This is what you need to know about allowing someone to be miserable with you: It’s a lonely job. Chances are they have no one else they can truly let themselves be sad around, no one they’re comfortable enough with, and so it’s easy to pretend or even somewhat feel different around other people….

Photo 25 Jan 1,004 notes nevver:

Regrets, They had a few

I don’t have much of this


Regrets, They had a few

I don’t have much of this

Text 13 Jan ga selesai

                What’s so scary about seeing the world through an evolutionary standpoint is that it seems to lose a purpose, a predetermined place or role, and its current meaning. There is no fate and it means there can be no guarantee.  It deconstructs reality and reduces it to nothing more than observation that renders human needs and wishes, thus making human importance, moot.

                “It is a need to survive, to exist, that we indulge ourselves in the pursuit of ideas. To somehow create a character that embodies us and make that character lasts, to believe in an essence of being — soul or recurring ideas and themes of afterlife,— to exist beyond the physical world. All are nothing but an evolutionary response to survive and nothing more, not meaningful, and even if it’s a spiritual thing, it’s workings is mechanical in the sense that they are all due to a cause. Fear of death, or to be precise, of no longer existing.” Carrie rambles about a state of mind she expected herself to believe. She doesn’t believe in all this too but she expects herself to. It reminds her of a line from a B-movie she once saw, “You pretend like you’re strong, like you want it rough, hard, but truth is, you want it soft, smooth, and easy. Like the rest of us.” It wasn’t the actual lines but same thing, the same message is there.

                Somewhere in the world, it is probable that a Boeing is flying at 485 miles per hour and finds itself crashing a bird that is flying at 106 miles per hour. This event will be disastrous because if we consider the speed to be constant average speed, the plane would experience all this as if they’re standing still and bag of bones at the speed of 379 miles per hour is being thrown at it. Imagine that, 379 miles per hour. In an instant, the plane would be in turbulence and air pressure lost sending people flying over the window, or the floor cracks, the plane loses altitude and fall. Many scenarios could happen depending on where the plane ‘got hit’. People would have the chance to pray and most likely they won’t survive, but they expect that some spiritual part of them might survive via prayer and get to heaven. Or that somehow their spirit will carry on. Carrie thought of this but she doesn’t believe it either. She knows evolution to be true but she doesn’t want to believe in a thing so clinical, so evidently mechanical. Even if she did want to, she can’t. I don’t believe in anything, she thought, not even herself, and there seems to be a need to belief.

                “Mark that I’m telling you this because I have to cope with it, with reality. That all is vain, that we’re all gonna die anyway.”

                “I don’t really get what you’re saying, really.” I said, “I’m a mind reader, not a scholar.”

                “I pick the wrong guy to mind-link with!”

                “You’re depressing. I think I accept the wrong offer too,” I replied.

                Never have people been so connected yet so far removed from each other, to know every thought and fact yet to misunderstand the person.

                Maybe we cannot truly know a person. As we know facts, feelings, and thoughts, unless we keep it to ourselves, people change and evolve into something else just be itself, to be an unpredictable character. We’ve got to have some sort of secret card that nobody knows about so we can come out as some kind of winner or a survival to the card game of life.

Text 29 Dec love

what’s love going to do for me?
so far it has ruined me..
two times  and two turned disastrous

and now it’s the eve of a new year,
here’s where you made your second mistake some time last year,
here’s where you held me responsible for something you did,
here is a reminder of the start of it all that turned things into this

and i thought we were perfect for each other
and i still think so

what’s love gonna do for me
i bet you have new lovers now

i bet you won’t even remember that i love you
i bet i’m crazy
what’s that’s going to do? 
i bet you don’t know how much i miss you,
what’s that gonna do?


Quote 7 Nov 455 notes
Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.
— Henry Rollins (via theflightout)
Text 17 Oct

to be clear, i didn’t mean to say it was the last time,
but there wasn’t anything in it for me but torment and you didn’t even realize it.

how you made me the bad guy,
how you viewed me differently, treat me differently
how you push me away by putting the blame on me,
and i even apologize for thinking you might be right,
and it turned out it wasn’t really about that,
it wasn’t really about right or wrong, or your thesis, or anything.

if we’re honest, now you talk a hell of a lot more to people now that i dont follow you anymore, prove something i said right? it’s not about thesis, it’s not really that
i hinder anything in your life. it’s that you’re afraid that i know what you’re really doing with your time and you fear my opinion.

and mungkin gw cuma sirik, why shouldn’t I ketika lo buang gw dengan alasan tesis
dan bilang lo ga ngobrol ke siapa-siapa. and now that i remove myself, you do talk to people. and even before i remove myself too.

i didn’t mean it was the last time, but i sure as hell wouldn’t try to talk to you,
not that you would, dengan lo masih mandang gw “pengaruh buruk” when you turned me into one, tanpa alasan yang jelas. atau jelas tapi ga ada kaitannya dengan gw but you needed a scapegoat.

even when you say sorry, i didn’t think you actually understand. lo cuma ngerasain apa yang gw rasain, mungkin, tapi lo ga ngerti kenapa gw bisa ngerasa gitu. kenapa gw sampe sakit hati banget, you didn’t really understand, makanya lo ga pernah berusaha accountable untuk rasa sakit yang lo buat, karena lo ga bisa liat rasa sakit dan ketidak adilan itu.

i didn’t mean to say it was the last time, but i certainly don’t want to be somewhere where i was actually considered a bad guy for things i didn’t do,
dijauhi, diasingkan, diancam, diatur-atur, dan despite what you say, “ada baiknya” you treated me the opposite.

kalau lo mau ngomong karma, shouldn’t you treat people who you defined as “baik” dengan perlakuan baik? it’s not even a philosophical question. ataukah dunia emang cuma soal minta maaf? ketemu orang dan dapat pengalaman terus bilang “gw belajar dengan ketemu dia” seakan-akan manusia itu kapur dan papan tulis yang kapanpun bisa ditinggalin atau bahkan digantikan? gw ingat pertama ketemu lo lo bilang “setiap kejadian ada hikmahnya.” well people aren’t lessons nor are they assets. people are people. bukan hikmah, kayak ngambil inti dari sesuatu terus “yah gw sudah belajar.” no. appreciate people if you really think they do good, otherwise tell them what they are, good, bad, or insignificant. give people what they deserve. atau mereka akan ngabisin hidupnya ngerasa “dunia ga adil,” or worse, “gw ga pantas dapat apa-apa, look at the proof.” just cause people didnt give them what they deserve.

gw ingat lo bilang ke gw “gw bukan cuma objek” pas gw bilang, “gw pengen tahu soal lo, pengen belajar soal lo.” lo sangat sensitif dengan dijadiin tools aja, including when you talk about that guy in the club, i forgot his name. yang cuma ngubungin lo buat ngeramein tempat lo bilang. in a sense you were using him as a tool instead walaupun lo ngerasa lo cuma dihubungin kalau ada event. gw juga bukan objek din, gw juga bukan bahan untuk lo bisa bilang “ada hikmah.” was that what you meant with “ada baiknya”? gw bukan hikmah. gw sampah the way you treated me. tissue juga jadi sampah kalau lo pake buang ingus lo, tapi ada hikmahnya kan? ada fungsinya? get what i mean? ada baiknya itu untuk tissue, bukan orang.

come on, really. you know these things. masa kalau lo digituin orang lo sadar, lo ngegituin orang ga sadar?

to be honest i really want to talk to you, to still be able to talk, but i’ve tried to talk over and over again. thats what i meant with “last time”. gw nyerah karena somehow cuma untuk ngobrol ke lo aja gw harus nyimpan sekian banyak sakit hati. tiap kali lo ga bisa lihat apa yang kurang, apa yang salah, padahal lo yang ngomong, lo yang menyebabkan, tapi lo ga sadar, atau mikir itu okay2 aja.

it’s not. it’s not okay to use people, blame people, not okay to make a scapegoat out of people, or banished them away just because you dont want truth to be known that you back out on your own word, or anything else.

it’s not okay.

it’s not okay to hide things just to appear good.

if you think just “sorry” is enough to make my pain disappear since january, yang gw berkali-kali ngomongin ke lo, dan berusaha selesaiin, terus pas lo bilang gw masalah buat thesis lo, yang ternyata lo buktiin sekarang, ga ada kaitannya dengan gw (bahwa lo yang sebenarnya saat itu ga sanggup dan gw lo anggap salah karena ngingatin dan lo nyalahin gw), no it’s not just going to disappear. it stays, it lingers, it’s still here in me.

from my end, gw udah membuat diri gw ga berharga banget dengan berusaha “berkali-kali” ngefix sesuatu yang lo emang ga pengen fix, malah cuma pengen nutup mata.
from your end, gw ga tahu, whether you will have the sense of fairness, the sense of justice, to try to make something right. yang jelas i didn’t mean it was going to be the last, but now it kinda is, isn’t it?

lo berkali-kali bilang “kalau banyak orang yang bilang lo bla-bla-bla mungkin bla-bla-bla.”

a scientific mind would know bahwa popularitas sebuah ide tidak membuat ide itu benar. baru-baru ini di padang ada penyerangan terhadap orang china, atau di jakarta terhadap kristen, atau penyerangan2 lain oleh mayoritas yang mikir “itu benar” ke minoritas, dan itu segitu banyaknya orang, apakah karena begitu banyak orang berpendapat sesuatu salah maka itu salah? apa dalam kasus penyerangan itu, jadi china salah? membuat perkumpulan china salah? apakah jadi kristen dan punya gereja salah? tidak. tapi mayoritas orang di sana mikir itu salah, lalu mereka serang. salah itu karena berbuat salah, bukan karena opini. bukti dan analisa yang menentukan sesuatu benar atau salah, objektivitas terkait data dan fakta yang berkali-kali gw berusaha tunjukin ke lo kenapa “pengaruh buruk” itu bukan gw, kenapa “gangguan thesis” itu bukan gw. tapi lo ga bersedia terbuka. bahkan philosophy 101 itu “just because so many people believe it’s true, it doesn’t mean it’s true.” it’s not about how many people says what opinion. it’s about the chain of causality, what causes what, when, and how. dulu juga semua orang percaya bumi datar, ga buat sedikit yang mikir bumi itu bulat jadi salah kan? emang bulat kan?

here it is, you believe a lie for too long, it turns into truth. like in my case.

lo ga pernah cerita dengan gw ada di situ dan cerita semuanya sehingga semua netral dan orang bakal bisa nyalahin seseorang karena udah dengar argumen dari dua sisi. your side of the story was never even complete, jadi kalau teman lo bilang gw pengaruh buruk (by now i think you told everyone about me for opinions that you dont have yourself but you have your own insecurities about it that you dont talk about it with/to me but you talk to other people about it) belum tentu gw pengaruh buruk, apa lo pernah cerita total? apa mereka pernah dengar sisi gw? no. did your parents hear my side of the story? did your friends hear my side of the story?

i love you, and i didn’t mean it was the last, but from my end, i couldn’t try to keep trying when you don’t even care or concerned about what happened, what’s the implication of what you do, what you say, and how you face things, bukan cuma buat lo, tapi buat orang yang ada d sekitar lo, namely in this case, me.

ketika concern lo adalah “berarti lo bilang gw pengkhianat,” atau “did he mean that i was heartless” terus lo nangis dan nutup telepon, atau “gimana biar next time ga ada lagi kayak gini?” berarti lo ga lihat what’s the problem, just what that says about you, nama lo. cuma soal nama. gw juga care soal nama gw, ketika gw PEDULI siapa yang bilang. And it was you who said I was a bad influence, it was you who said I was BAD for you. and I CARE what you say, what you think of me.

Kalau ada benarnya, I will accept them, but when it doesn’t, I try to convey my objection, I try to talk to you, berbulan bulan. Yang lo tutup akhirnya Maret, you cut me off.

a responsible world can only be the cause of responsible people, bukan orang yang bergantung pada karma atau sejenisnya. karena menurut gw, dan banyak orang, karma itu ga ada. people can kill other people as long as he can fool the system, he will go unpunished, you can do a lot of bad things dan cuma karena orang peduli ke lo, lo ga diapa-apain, why? cause that’s the way we are build, caring of other people. you are build like that too, i can see it. itu bagian dari mirror neuron kita, empathy neuron. cari Athene’s Theory of Everything kalau lo tertarik, atau bahasan neuroscience, evolutionary psychology on empathy and social interaction.

empathy comes before even understanding the situation. we were build to care, feel. but we are also build to put ourselves about others, our survival, no matter the cost, the way. it’s a constant fight between the two, atau lo bisa buat sejalan survival lo dengan tidak menginjak2 hak orang lain. it is possible to do thing without having to hurt people.

the world is not fair, it is up to us to make it fair, and that’s by way of transparency, integrity, and accountability. but then fair bukan maksudnya tiap salah, hukum. tiap salah, balas. no. there’s still empathy, an idea of good, a hope of good of mankind, karena emang hukum ga jalan, money and power rules all. ujung2nya integritas manusia yang penting. and integrity starts in reflection of roles, bukan reflection of benefit, apa untung apa ruginya, what you can do and what you can get away with. itu mentalitas maling seperti itu. manusia bukan barang dagangan.

lo janji about that present, maybe it’s a burden now, i guess it will really be the end when you sent it to me (if you will send it, gw ga tahu. i dont know sometimes with you, with the double standard and the willingness to say what people want to hear.)

though if i must choose, i will choose talking to you over that, or anything.
or seeing you at least once again, like i said i want to.
i didn’t mean it was the last. see, how pathetic i have to be for you?

tiap kali gw yg harus ngomong dan rendahin diri.

there are things you can abuse in this life, and your only path to righteousness by then is your sense of fairness, your humanity. jangan biasakan abuse hal sekecil “gw bisa nyembunyiin ini dengan scapegoat-in dia.” not to say you realize what you were doing or intent to, you do it for your parents.

dan ketika lo bilang “gw harus berusaha juga kan?” soal a***. excuses! you missed the point. keberatan gw bukan lo balik ke dia. i don’t agree with it but i dont fuckin care about that. my objection was you, your side of the argument that lack conscience, the lie, pushing me away, killing me off, my access to truth after saying i was the bad influence and after saying i am a problem to your thesis. i showed you the contradiction of ‘you.’ that was why you threw me away, because you wanted to close your eyes of what has happened. but then i guess what i said was right, you do love him yet back then you kept saying “dimana cintanya, gw ga ngerasa apa-apa.” your insecurity, your blindness makes me laugh sometimes.

lo tahu cerita romeo and juliet? for their stupidity, their naivete, temannya Romeo, Horatio if I’m not mistaken, died, killed. Don’t be that kind of love, that brings pain to others just cause you two don’t understand how to deal each other. Gw ngerasa cuma pion buat lo reconnect ke dia. But at least Horatio was a hero. Me?

"Hakmer, orang yang ngalangin thesis gw itu loh, orang yang ngerusak hubungan gw itu loh, yang buat hidup gw jadi dugem dan minum aja loh, yang buat thesis gw terganggu loh, yang buat orangtua gw datang ke bandung dan marahin gw loh."

I’ll tell you what people say about me that is often right.

"The right man, at the wrong place."

That’s what I was. I talked to you cause I actually care, and I actually think that you were in trouble. And what happened? You weren’t. Cause if you were, I’d be the solution that made you open up to everybody. But instead, I was the trouble, yet you did open up didn’t you? Just not to me. I’ve got to be the bad guy. Always in the wrong place.

I didn’t mean for it to actually be the “last time.” I guess it’s up to you but it kinda is, that’s on you though. But I did say, “emang apa lagi setelah ini?”

ya, apa lagi emang. sekarang lo udah open up ke cowok lo (dan gw juga dulu sempat bilang biar lo open up kok, lo aja yang selalu nyangkal ga ada rasa apa-apa lagi. you gotta open up, you gotta open up. berapa kali gw bilang hal seperti itu? lo aja yang ga ngelakuin, tapi gw yang salah, go figure. sama kayak thesis lo, lo yang ga ngerjain, tapi gw yang salah. sama kayak ortu lo, lo yang ga bisa komunikasi benar, tapi gw yang salah.) ga ada untungnya lo ngomong ke gw lagi kan? hubungan lo jadi bisa rapuh lagi kan? dan jelas kalau milih benar atau untung, sejauh ini lo milih untung kan? walaupun sebenarnya lo bisa aja ngelakuin benar dan tetap dapat untung, lo aja yang takut. ga ada untungnya juga lo waste waktu buat perbaikin atau nanggungjawabin perkataan lo kan? waste of your emotion kan? tapi bayangin gw yang ga dapat untung apa-apa, waste my time and my feelings, effort, emotionally exhausted, you know for what? as simple as, ‘she’s a great person, she’s important. i wish she would see that.’ what a waste that was. lo dengan percaya diri lo yang rendah, drama ketidaksanggupan lo soal banyak hal, but it seemed so easy for you, everything. emang apa lagi yang bisa gw lihat, you can say sweet things, but what did you do? you pushed me away, you can’t promise you will talk, you wanted me to disappear, and so you get what you want, apa lagi emang? ortu lo udah balik percaya ke lo, i’m the scapegoat, your marriage on track, you both can blame me even (and your friends too, they can all say hakmer is the bad influence too), why risk it, right? that’s sarcasm btw. if only you werent with your drama when i first met you (it was just a drama right? karena kalau ga, berarti gw beneran dengerin lo nangis, kalau beneran dengerin lo nangis berarti lo beneran in trouble sebelum ketemu gw, berarti masalahnya bukan gw, oh wait, let’s not continue that thought. ujung2nya keluhan yang sama  manjanya “you dont fix things, you blame me, you dont know how much pain is there in me, and bla bla bla.” i might as well insert star wasr meme with obiwan kenobi and anakin skywalker. pathetic me.)

"Gw harus nyoba juga kan?" yang dari lo telatnya setahun. You didn’t have to hurt me with lies. I do know not to go for a girl with a boyfriend tapi lo bilang lo ga ada rasa lagi so i came in because, why not? Kalau emang ga ada rasa lagi, I wasn’t wrong. Ternyata, setahun kemudian, ada, and you hide it from me, right? Kalo emang ga ada yang salah kenapa malu? kenapa sembunyiin? Karena takut gw hancurin? (karena emang gw udah dilabelin penghancur hubungankah? itukah yang lo bilang soal gw? atau yang orang bilang dan lo terima2 aja?)

gw nunggu, what you promised me. mungkin bakal kasih gw sense of finality, so i dont have to wait for it. or you can make me suffer by not giving it but make me suffer forever for waiting for it. unlike you, gw buka hal-hal yang bisa bikin gw menderita and it’s up to the other person whether to make me suffer or not. that is trust, risking truth, not hiding one. and trusting that they would do the right thing.

i didn’t mean it to be the last time we talk, i wish i could see you.
but whatever, i’m indulging stupid thoughts. lagi-lagi merendahkan diri, but you wouldn’t even understand that, wouldn’t you?

you are a bit of an asshole, that’s true, it’s also a joke, don’t take it seriously. i have mean jokes. people who are bitter are like that, because there’s nothing else that gets them to cope with the situation other than mean jokes that ridicule themselves or their stupid decision. people are bitter when they couldn’t appreciate themselves no more. so in order to not feel bad about it, they make mean jokes or sarcastic ones to feel better, not that it would, at least not permanently.

it’s easier to be bitter when we know people do know what’s right and what’s wrong but pretend that something is right, or choose to do something is wrong knowing it’s wrong. i am bitter cause everytime people want what’s right, but everytime they choose to not do it.

it’s my friend words, and this is what makes both of us bitter, even to atheists alike

"I’m very much afraid that the morally advanced world that you see is little more than a fad. That when it becomes inconvenient to us, we abandon it. When we get a little scared, we abandon it. When there’s a buck in it, we abandon it. I am afraid that we are not the moral beings we imagine ourselves to be, but that it is only a comforting lie we tell each other when we are wealthy enough to have the luxury of illusion."

we trust people less cause despite giving faith to people to waste time and effort explaining and etc, people abandon these things with excuses like yours “tapi gw harus nyoba juga kan?” what else can we say to that. push you people on edge? but somehow you push people on edge and it’s okay.

jadi kayak lagunya KOC, Rule My World.

Atau Julian Casablancas. pas dia bilang “don’t want to bring all that up, but they keep leaving it out.”

I don’t mean to bring all this up, but you people keep leaving things out.

Kayak lo bilang “ada baiknya” tapi apa yang kamu lakuin? you leave things out, as if words were enough. As if I leave things out, tapi bukankah gw nyoba, berkali kali? Weren’t you the one who closed your eyes?

See? I try to make this as neutral as I could, but I’m left with cognitive dissonance. I love you, I hate you, those kinds of thing.
You’re great, you’re evil
it wasn’t the last, it was the last,
bla bla bla.

And I’m chuckling right here, grinning, because that is a sense of reassurance sometimes, one i’m giving myself but will never work.  Because I am far toobitter to even care about how stupid or disturbing it is to loathe yourself, yet here I am, talking about you, missing you, hating you, i could never decide, loathing myself. the way the brain works, as a defense mechanism, when someone you love is wrong, you blame yourself in order for that someone to be right. a few times i apologize to you for things i’m not even wrong about, and now i loathe myself because you have to be somehow a good person in my mind. i hate how human brain is sometimes.

i dont mean for it to be the last. if it’s possible to at least see you once again.
if not, then i hope that thing you promised me came soon.
i’m not one for cutting bridges.
but i also cant continue hurting myself or allowing you to do that and i cant bear seeing fake people and that’s what you would do if i kept following you on twitter, you’d learn to either lie better, or be a better jerk and the two are non optional and not preferable.. it’s really your turn to do or not do something, but i’ve tried over and over again. i stopped because i dont want to feel worthless because of you, and i feel worthless either way, that’s kinda thanks to you and your contradictory nature. thesis my ass, it’s not even that, pardon the language. if you’re still not clear on what i’m saying, i dont want things to end. pathetic asshole, i’m talking about me. dont get offended.

Text 15 Oct on being me and what i think however useless it is

Sometimes I would search your name, your twitter account and wonder how you are doing, what you are doing.  But of course what I would get is the the tweets where people mentioned you and not your tweets. I don’t know why I am doing this, I am blind to my own motives as there shouldn’t be any motives anymore but apparently there is you in me.

It’s stupid and I’m only torturing myself as my complain from the start was that you ruled me out and talked to other people but wouldn’t talk to me when there was problem. And you responded by saying that you don’t talk to anybody and you tried to live by it, which is both flattering but also disturbing. And now you don’t talk to me at all and that would be my fault for saying “there won’t be a next time, there won’t be anything after this, this will be the last time we talk.” You were so focused on whether there would be a next time or not when you say “gimana caranya biar ga ada lagi yang kayak gini? ”and all I see is a girl who cared only about responding to things and not about setting things right. Maybe a mistranslation of what you mean when you say that. Maybe you were trying to fix things, but also maybe you were just trying to protect yourself, which means you missed the point of my complains and the reason for the anger. But yeah, I was so frustrated at the seemingly main concern to you which is about “next time” and not “What’s the problem? What can I do? Where did I go wrong?”

Seperti nabrak orang dan bilang “aduh sori, gimana caranya biar ga nabrak lagi lain kali ya?” ke orang yang kamu tabrak dan bukan “kamu ga apa-apa? Kok bisa nabrak? Tadi aku kira masih lampu merah. Ayo bawa kamu ke rumah sakit.”

That’s cliche of course, and exaggerated. Nobody talks that way. Tapi ada ketidakmampuan berempati di pilihan pertama dan ada kemampuan merasakan sakit orang lain di yang kedua. Dan bukannya gw anti modesty, sepenuhnya against it, tapi suatu pertanyaan “kamu ga apa-apa? Kok bisa nabrak? Tadi aku kira masih lampu merah. Ayo bawa kamu ke rumah sakit.” Didasari pada empati, dan loncat ke “gimana caranya biar ga ada next time” adalah sesuatu yang loncat ke modesty, ke sebuah tindakan yang tidak didasarkan pada kemampuan berempati tapi sebuah programming akan sesuatu yang ‘dianggap’ baik dan miss the point ‘kenapa kita baik dan kenapa baik itu baik.’ It leads to misconduct, and that’s what happened between us. Misconduct.

Coba bayangin sebagai analogi, lo masuk penjara karena dituduh membunuh. lalu setelah sekian bulan dipenjara, lo terbukti bukan pembunuh. Lalu yang menuntut kamu bilang “sorry.” tapi tidak keluarin kamu dari penjara. sama aja kan? masa dihukum untuk sesuatu yang kamu ga lakuin? apa ga bakal frustasi digituin?

Lo pengen sesuatu yang baik, pengen ngelakuin sesuatu yang benar, tapi tidak didasari oleh niat tapi paksaan,atau kesadaran akan adanya suatu ancaman yang concern-nya adalah diri lo sendiri dan mungkin personal gain dan bukan a broader view of things. Not something as natural as empathy or realizing there’s such a thing called responsibility. Gw bukan anti modesty, gw dulu bilang jangan ngelakuin sesuatu karena ‘sekedar’ modesty. Ketika itu yang gw maksud, please grow something in you that is attuned to other people’s feelings and considerations of that and do something because of that and not because you think you gotta do it ‘or else.’ Do it because you want to, tapi be responsible of what you already did. There are two things there, responsibility and being genuine.

That’s what I saw in you once. That’s what I miss. That part of you. And I still miss it somehow. But instead, all I see is the many tweets at you, and it means I’m forgotten without anybody ever trying to fix things. Cuma make a mess, and leave it like that, and not bothering that there are messes left behind. There was a part of you yang ngerti responsibility and nilai dari kata-kata lo sendiri dan itu yang buat lo accountable cause you trouble yourself with it. Ada juga bagian dari lo yang dulu genuinely tried to fix things in your relationship and all you needed was understanding. And I gave you one in our friendship to which you eventually replied “gimana caranya biar ga ada next time.” Of course I responded harshly and emotionally impulsive and uncontrolled, lack composure. Terlalu emosian mungkin. Because you lack that genuine empathy you once have, and the sense of responsibility you once owned, the integrity. The things you once owned and still is in there within you tapi lo compromised dengan semua hal yang terjadi. I don’t know how to understand, or make sense of it all. I do miss you.

Text 9 Oct pain, or no pain. both are pain

I am determined on writing this. Entah kenapa, buat apa lagi mengkomunikasikan diri saat cuma sepihak? Kenapa gw berusaha menjelaskan sudut pandang gw seakan lo sepenting itu. Sepenting itukah that truth must be given up and not spoken? Apparently yes to me, but who cares? Mungkin gw pengen suatu yang terstruktur, atau lebih reasonable atau clear(?) dibanding tulisan marah-marah yang sebelum ini gw tulis, not that you’ve red maybe, mungkin gw pengen lo mengerti, tapi buat apa. I’m essentially talking to myself, to the you in my head. I seem to be the only one who care anyway, ga bakal ada yang nanggungjawabi rasa sakit hati gw, so I gotta do that myself instead of expecting you to do it. Karena emang ga memuaskan, “my” last talk. “Mine.” It was supposed to be about “me”. It was still from my end, the last talk. So, now this is all i can do. Something as pathetic as typing this. Let me talk to the you in my head.

Gw ga bisa ngerasa apa-apa. Selain depressed, frustasi, atau trapped in disbelief soal gimana lo ngerespon gw dan gimana lo selama ini, since this year, setelah our last talk gw cuma bisa depressed atau ga ngerasa apa-apa. Mostly gw memilih untuk ga ngerasain apa-apa. Lo yang sering muncul di otak gw entah lo blinded atau gimana, gw beneran ga ngerti. Sesuatu yang seharusnya soal gw, lalu gw bilang “Gw  mau block twitter lo,” lo jawab iya, “mungkin remove lo di Facebook,” lo jawab iya. “Lo Cuma iya-iyain aja, lo cuma pengen ini cepat selesai aja. Gw hilang, lo ga peduli.” Something like that. Lo ngomong beberapa kata, lo kedengaran tersinggung, terus nutup. Nutup telepon. Terus menghilang 15 menit atau lebih. Dan semua berubah, dari soal gw, tiba-tiba jadi soal lo. Tiba-tiba semua warped lagi, kebalik arah lagi, kabur lagi. Gw bilang gw ngerasa hampa, kosong. Karena gw ga bisa ga ngerasa apa yang lo rasa/ekspresiin saat itu, gw bahkan ga tahu lo beneran genuine ngerasa sesuatu or is it just a conditioned response that seemed humane, apa benar lo ngerasain sesuatu? Somehow lo tersinggung, I indirectly call you heartless, tapi bukankah itu soal gw harusnya? Lagi-lagi lo yang harus dimengerti dan gw ga ngerti bagaimana itu bisa terjadi. Am I that blind about you? Weren’t I “technically” right? Satu sisi lo heartless, berubah jadi soal lo lagi pas gw yang punya masalah dengan cara lo, weren’t I right? Apa gw ga berhak ngomongin pikiran/perasaan gw ketika semua rasanya ga adil?

Ketika lo bohong, kenapa bisa saat itu gw malah jadi mengabaikan, jadi ngelewatin? Kenapa lagi-lagi respon gw terkondisilan ke perasaan lo? How did you do that, made me feel your pain and forgot mine sampe satu atau dua minggu kemudian baru gw mikir, no, I’m the one wronged, not her.

Lo ngomong, “Keluarga gw ga bilang apa-apa soal lo, Mer.” Setelah lo nyiksa gw dengan 8 bulan “Keluarga gw bilang lo pengaruh buruk, Mer.” Well how about you? You said you agreed, 8 bulan gw mikir gw orang paling buruk dan lo tiba-tiba bilang, mereka ga pernah ngomong apa-apa? Dengan pembelaan dan usaha gw untuk komunikasi dan membela diri dan mempertanyakan darimana jalannya dan pusing karena lo ga bisa nanggung jawabin perkataan lo terus lo bilang, it never happened? Setelah itu lo ubah data jadi “Teman gw bilang lo pengaruh buruk”? Dan setelah itu lo bilang, “gw ga pernah ngomongin lo ke siapa-siapa kok, Mer.” Changing statements so soon in one talk? Mana yang harus dipercaya?

Somehow untuk sesuatu yang lo lakuin dengan orang lain, yang dilaporin oleh orang lain lagi ke bonyok lo, somehow dari semua hal yang terjadi dimana gw ga terlibat dan ga nikmati apa-apa yang keluar adalah “Hakmer, pengaruh buruk.” Entah darimana. Dan sampai sekarang seakan-akan lo ngelindungi perasaan/pride keluarga lo tapi sebenanya for sentimentality’s sake, lo ngelindungi orang-orang you did had something with, dan juga orang yang melaporin kejadian lo to protect yourself and then my name came up and everyone puts the blame on me, you put the blame on me. Untuk sesuatu yang pahit lo masih pengen ngenang h***** sebagai sesuatu yang manis, dan a*** sebagai orang yang “peduli” ke lo sampe ngelaporin lo, dan gw lo kambing-hitamin, demi lo jaga rahasia lo and your nostalgic weird sensibilities of what romance is. Lo buang gw sebagai tawaran perdamaian, itikad baik, to be in the good side of your family again. Me, a tool.

Berkali-kali diobrolin dan respon lo adalah “Gw perlu dapatin kepercayaan keluarga gw lagi.” Dengan apa, membuang orang yang lo kambing-hitamkan? Gw ga salah apa-apa, ga terlibat, ga gimana-gimana tiba-tiba gw yang kena efek dari chain of causality yang gw bukan prominent cause-nya tapi lo dan orang lain.

Apa gw yang buat hubungan lo sama a*** renggang? Ga, sebelum gw juga udah. Apa gw yang bt lo pengen keluar dari situ? Nggak. Apa gw buat lo dugem? Minum? Mabuk sampai pengen dilarikan oleh orang lain (dan akhirnya dilaporkan ke bonyok lo soal beberapa hal)? Ga. That was before me, it was already in you, it escalates when you don’t see clearly cause you don’t even see yourself, gitu lo bebas, lo pikir lo bisa ngelakuin semua hal and so you did everything you thought was freedom. Including getting drunk and being stupid. Apa gw salah apa-apa di situ? Ga, I even reminded you from time to time, be careful, there are risks. Apa gw terlibat dalam insiden yang mendatangkan nyokap lo ke Bandung? Atau dengan keterlambatan thesis lo? Dengan semua yang benar-benar masalah, adakah gw nipu dan ngarahin lo ke arah yang salah? Ga. Gw bilang ada mau, ada konsekwensi, ada yang harus dilakukan, dan ada yang harus diterima sebagai akibat dari suatu respon yang lo beri. Mostly I talk about “make an effort, make a choice, take responsibility, take control of your life”. You gotta fight for yourself and for what you want. Was I wrong saying that? Lalu kenapa gw kambing hitamnya? Kenapa gw bad influence? Bibitnya ada di lo and it’s been growing dan bahkan sekarang, it’s still in you and I’m to blame? Was it my fault that you’re afraid to take control and give up in the middle and succumb to peer pressure? In fact, lo ga bakal pernah lihat ada yang salah kalau ga ada gw. You would’ve never realize there was a person named D*** in the whole world because you weren’t even anybody who thought that you matter. I saw you, you matter, and I told you that and you began to accept yourself again, your feelings after denying them for so long and ini your words “expecting to get out of this hell”. You were a doll waiting to break down and wasnt getting up, ready to give the key to everyone who can help. Yang gw ingatin lo, ya dilariin sama aja, lo ga stand on your two own feet. I tried to give you some sense of self, and suddenly you turned hard the other way like someone who lost sense because she never had to take a step and now she had the world presenting that there are so many directions life can take and you chose to take the wrong steps. And you blame me for that.

Lalu kemudian lo ngait-ngaitin thesis lo dengan gw, yang pas gw ketemu lo aja emang udah stuck lo-nya, dan somehow gw mau ngebahas lo selalu ga nyaman namun pada saat bersamaan lo nyalahin gw? And I can’t ask you how I’m wrong, in what way? Ketika gw buat sejumlah pertanyaan, quiz, untuk bisa melihat keadaan sebenarnya lo memilih untuk “ga nyaman” dan menutup mata dan tetap put the blame on me? Bukankah gw berhak untuk kebenaran ketika lo memperlakukan  gw sebagai “pengganggu thesis yang perlu dikucilkan”? Don’t I have the right for prove to your conviction?

Lo bilang “bukan cuma lo kok, Mer.” Terus kenapa cuma gw yang lo hindari? Kenapa ga main game, atau mungkin hal-hal yang lain yang lo lakuin yang sama aja, ngabaikan thesis lo (yang kebetulan gw tanya apa aja hal-hal itu tapi lo ga mau jawab karena lo ga mau salah), kenapa itu ga lo hindarin juga, buang jauh kayak lo ngatur gw untuk ga ngubungin sama sekali. Bukankah kita pernah ngebahas double standard? Bukankah itu double standard? Bukan cuma gw tapi cuma gw yang perlu dibuang karena mengalihkan perhatian, apa ga kontradiksi? Lagian emang gw nge-distract gimana? Dengan nanya “gimana thesis lo?” Kata “thesis” aja tiba-tiba gw harus ngilang dan nutup telepon? Saat lo lari dari thesis lo, kenapa gw yang salah? Saat tiga bulan lo ngasingin gw dan thesis lo sama ga beresnya, kenapa gw yang salah? Emang kalau gw ngubungin lo, lo 24/7 lagi ngerjain thesis sehingga tiap kali gw hubungin pasti pas ngerjain thesis? Bukankah justru gw bilang “kerjain jangan maen game melulu!” Bukankah sebaliknya, lo bahkan ga bisa dengar kata “thesis”, ga ngerjain dan ga pengen mikirin? Bukankah itu artinya justru lo yang menyabotase thesis lo sendiri? Ketika gw tanya kenapa, lo ga bisa jawab aja? Kenapa lo nyembunyiin fakta apa yang sedang terjadi? You were hiding something, right? Lo yang nyembunyiin sesuatu dan lo malah bilang gw insecure? You dont want facts to be known cause that would mean admitting things like yeah you were responsible for your own thesis and Hakmer is not to blame. And your problem with your parents is yours, I had nothing to do with it other than trying to take the heat down a notch a little bit for you. But somehow harus ada yang disalahkan kalau mau mempermudah semua ini dan sudah ada. Gw. Let’s close our eyes from the truth and close his access to facts so no one reminds us of this problem and I can go on without having to be responsible about my mistakes. Rasanya kayak gitu. I was used. You wanted the freedom, the benefits, but not the responsibility, and it’s not even about me, but about you and I took the blame.

Kenapa harus kayak gitu? Kenapa gw harus marah, harus emosian dulu baru lo mau ngomong. Tiap kali gw ajak ngomong, “ga nyaman, jangan sekarang, PMS, lagi ga mood, jangan ngomongin itu, dst dst.” Do you realize how many times I tried to communicate? Phone calls, text, FB messages, etc. Kadang kayak yang lo respect itu “power.” Kayak hidup lo harus dipaksa atau dimanipulasi, baru lo mau. Kayak lo ga bisa bener dan pengen diperlakukan salah. Orang ngasi lo minuman, lo tenggak, mabuk, eh, tiba2 lo kepincut ga jelas, lo izinin ngapa2in setelahnya. Lo lagi vulnerable, ketemu cowok, lo pikir lo hebat bangat kalau ngasi handjob atau sejenisnya, laku banget atau gimana, aneh. Dapat banyak fans, oh laku, wtf? Orang ngelaporin lo ke bonyok lo, manfaatin peer pressure buat lo balik ke dia, eh efektif. Like the dumbest idiot i know yang ngomong soal ga pengen ditipu/dimanipulasi/dibohongin tapi justru cuma bisa dengan orang yang ngegituin lo. Berkali-kali gw bilang, lo perlu tahu apa yang lo mau. You dont know yourself yet you pretend like you know best and you act like you know all and you’ve got all the wisdom. About me and the situation and how to deal with me, without discussing it with me. Harus dimanfaatin dulu baru ngerasa ada koneksi personal. Mesti dikasi kata-kata manis baru terenyuh. Girls get drunk and got fucked everyday, that’s nothing special. Gw pengen ngomong baik-baik ke lo ga bisa, mau diskusi baik-baik ga bisa. Gw marah, tiba-tiba lo kayak orang kelabakan, ketakutan, baru sadar kalau udah nyakitin orang. Apa harus ada ancaman dalam hidup lo baru lo bereaksi dan ngelakuin yang benar? 

Kenapa lo bohong? Apa karena gw bilang “gw pengen lo bongkar cerita ke bonyok lo, ceritain semua, soal h*****, soal e**, soal semua, pokoknya gw pengen nama gw bersih. Ga mau gw dengar gw pengaruh buruk. Gw pengen dengar nama gw bersih.” Terus lo kelabakan. Ngomong “Keluarga gw ga pernah ngomong apa-apa.” Ganti ke “Teman gw bilang lo pengaruh buruk.” Terus ke “Gw ga pernah ngomong soal lo ke siapa-siapa.” Mana yang bener? Dari “Keluarga gw bilang lo pengaruh buruk” ke no one ever said anything about you itu jauh banget. Kenapa lo tiba-tiba ngerti sesakit hati apa gw dan mulai ngedengerin? Karena somehow lo takut? Atau karena emang lo ngerti ada yang salah? Apa lo ngerti sesakit hati apa gw? Apa lo bohong karena lo mau menghibur gw, lo sadar gw sakit hati, atau karena lo pengen ngelindungi diri dan rahasia lo? Is it even about me? Ada ga gw di situ, di pikiran lo, atau lagi-lagi gw cuma experiment-went-wrong, like h***** or  e**? Tapi kalau dipikir-pikir gw dan lo ga pernah ada apa-apa. So I’m not at their level, the way you treated me gw cuma sampah. I tried to do right by you. Cara gw adalah komunikasi, yang btw lo tutup karena “ga nyaman.” BTW kalau ternyata lo cuma ketakutan dengan takut rahasia lo terbongkar, then I feel so insulted. I said that to make a point. “Hey, look, this bad influence is what you use to hide the truth and help yourself.” I wasn’t going to force you. It was a tempting thought because you made me very very angry with you ignorance.

Try falling in love once and that love is unrequited. That’s uncomfortable.
Try falling in love and it’s unrequited and you end up staying because someone needs you as a friend and he/she has someone with him/her. That’s excruciating.
Try falling in love and it’s unrequited and she needs you as a friend and you tried to help her, and you remind her of what’s important and you try to mentally support her while she has her bf and her flings and her problems and her insecurities and she blames you for something you had nothing to do with and blocked you out of her life and never give you a chance to know the truth and treat you like trash and somehow it’s like she didn’t want you to disappear either so she prolonged the situation by not opening up and not being honest but still she expects you to wait and understand and to make her laugh when you talk after she blames you. Try that and see how comfortable that is. So much for “ga nyaman.”

Kenapa harus yang paling parah, marah dan emosian baru lo bisa diajak bicara? Bukankah berkali-kali gw nyoba ngerti dan mundur lagi berkali-kali? Berkali-kali gw nyoba buka komunikasi dari ngomong yang fun, ngomong serius, sampai buat quiz and all i got is your reluctance. Apa ga bisa sadar bahwa tuduhan lo sakit dan gw juga berusaha ngerti saat gw yang dikambinghitamkan, apa salah minta lo yang ngerti sekali-sekali? Apa kambinghitamin gw ga cukup, lo harus hukum gw, biar tuduhan lo terlihat lebih meyakinkan lagi? Biar bukan Cuma orang lain yang lo bohongin tapi diri lo sendiri juga? Namanya dikambinghitamin itu ga nyaman. Apa semua harus soal nyaman? What about truth, fairness, justice? What about me, the tool you used, were you going to throw me away very slowly?

Kadang kayak lo harus dijahatin. Kayak penipuan dan manipulasi itu kewajiban di dunia lo. Atau kalau ga ancaman, atau worse, power. Peer pressure, apalah. Kayak lo cuma meknisme aja, bukan orang. Mau cewek, lewat orang tuanya. Mau dia happy, lewat kado. Mau dia dengerin? Ngomong kayak yang dia mau dan ngomongin apa yang dia mau, atau pake powerplay, entah peer pressure, entah ancaman, atau turunkan kekuatannya/kesadarannya lewat alkohol, atau ngomong gombal aja juga bisa kok, atau meledak marah. Use leverage, harus pake leverage ke lo. Kenapa gw harus marah baru lo ngedengerin? Kenapa gw harus muak, sakit hati dulu, dan marah dan ngucapin hal-hal yang gw ga pengen ngucapin baru lo mau ngedengerin, berusaha ngerti, kenapa harus gitu? Kenapa lo baru ngerti sesuatu salah setelah situasinya kayak sesuatu yang tinggal nunggu hancur? Kenapa lo berkontribusi terhadap mentalitas yang kayak gini? Yang cuma buat lo, orang lain, dan apapun ang baik di situ hancur dan mati. Kenapa? Kebutuhan lo akan katarsis bikin gw sakit kepala.

Ketika lo minta maaf, menurut lo sakit hati gw hilang ga? Kalau lo pecahin guci, dengan bilang ‘sori’ atau ‘gw minta maaf’ menurut lo guci itu jadi bener ga?

Apa dengan bilang “gw ga pernah ngomong soal lo ke siapa-siapa, Mer.” ngilangin apa yang lo pernah bilang? Emang masa lalu bisa di-undone? Jadi ga ada “Keluarga gw nganggap lo pengaruh buruk.”. Atau “Teman gw bilang lo pengaruh buruk.” Jadi ga ada? Bukan masalah lo omongin gw atau ga, D**, tapi masalah gimana lo ngomonginnya. Parsial kah, keseluruhankah? Apa lo cerita kenapa gw selalu nanya, selalu pengen ngobrol? Lo pikir cuma soal kangen doang? Gw pengen ngobrolin hal-hal yang lo tuduhin ke gw dan lo selalu bilang “ngobrolin yang lain aja. Jangan sekarang, bad mood, dst2” I can’t. Apa lo cerita gimana keadaan lo pas gw ketemu lo, antara lo sama cowo lo, lo dengan thesis lo dan mental state lo? lo cerita soal akhir tahun? Apa yang terjadi tahun baru, siapa yang ngelapor, gimana semenjak januari lo ngasingin gw, berubah respon, nyebutin gw bad influence, ngait2 gw dengan thesis lo, dst2?

Kalu gw emang yang buat thesis lo bermasalah, silahkan, announce that to the world, but only if that’s the truth. Kalau gw pengaruh buruk untuk hubungan lo, bahwa memang hubungan lo bermasalah sejak ketemu sama gw, dan kehidupan lo yang orangtua lo keberatan seperti itu gara-gara gw, silahkan umumin, sebarkan. Terserah. But was I the one who ruined it for you? Bukankah lo? Maybe a***, and your fears? Ketakutan lo segitu banyak dan kepengecutan lo buat lo segitu mudah untuk dimanipulasi yet somehow gw lo anggap penjahat, pengaruh buruk.

Gw minta lo bersihin nama gw bukan  karena gw takut apa kata orang. Tapi karena kalau ada yang ngomong, itu lo. And if people think of that because of you, then it’s what you want people to think of me because you want to think of me like that. And what you think of me, itu PENTING buat gw. Orangtua lo mikir buruk soal lo, lo berubah arah total, kayak orang yang ga punya pikiran sendiri tiba-tiba, lo ngerasa kayak orang paling parah di dunia kan, you get that right? Well itu karena mereka penting banget buat lo. Jadi ketika lo bilang “iya” pas gw tanya apa lo setuju dengan mereka bahwa gw “pengaruh buruk”, dan sejak itu gw ga bisa fun lagi, go figure out why I had to make such a huge fuss about it all. Bedanya gw dengan lo, gw ga nelan buta tuduhan orang ke gw sepenting apapun orangnya, kayak lo yang langsung nelan buta. I WASNT a bad influence until you think of me as one. People care about what people they care about think of them, whether the thought/opinion is reasonable or not, they care however farfetched. Either you badmouth me to protect yourself, or you simply lack integrity to tell the whole story, the chronology, how it all went down.

The past can not be undone, D**. Lo naruh paku ke kayu dan salah letak terus lo cabut pakunya dan lo berharap kayunya tiba-tiba beres, ga gitu. You think I’m well karena gw udah marah-marah? Bahwa gw udah dapat yang gw mau dan udah dapat apa yang gw minta? No. I didn’t ask for this.

Terus apa yang lo maksud dengan “Ada baiknya juga kok” setelah gw ngebahas dari awal sampai akhir lagi gimana semua terjadi kronologisnya? Apa sih yang lo maksud di situ? Kenapa ga bisa lebih spesifik? Kenapa ga bisa komunikasi yang lebih jelas? Lo udah bilang itu beberapa kali di percakapan sebelumnya juga. Tipe-tipe komunikasi ambigu yang orang harus nerka-nerka. I never get to understand what you mean, what’s in your head, apa yang lo mau komunikasiin. Lo ga pernah lagi mengkomunikasikan anything substantial semenjak January. And along the way you lied and lied and push me away for sensing them.

Ada baiknya juga - “tpi lebih banyak buruknya”?

Ada baiknya juga – maksudnya menghibur gw?

Ada baiknya juga – “so, stay karena kapan-kapan kalau gw butuh, gw pengen dengar pendapat lo”?

Ada baiknya apa?

Was that supposed to make me feel better and consider your situation? Is it only about you, this whole thing?

Sama kayak ketika lo bilang “Iya maaf, gw salah udah buat aturan dan ngelarang lo.”

Three months of suffering dan “maaf”? Lalu apa yang lo lakuin setelah itu? Did you ever try to make me feel better for the shitty three months? Pernah follow up nanya, “hey sorry yang minggu lalu, are you feeling better now?” Pernah? Is there no such thing as accountability anymore, or responsibility? Did you try to make up for your fault? No, you wouldn’t take that risk. Instead you hide that you were lying about connecting with other people and still no definitive “I’m sorry, you can call me. Just not on certain times but you can call me, sorry for the 3 months and for accusing you to be a reason for the delay in my thesis. It’s been three months and my thesis is as ruined. As it turns out, the problem is not you.” Did you ever say something like that? Ga, malah lo nyembunyiin hal-hal dari gw sementara lo pursue hal lain yang bukan thesis lo saat gw ga bisa ngubungin lo dan alasan lo adalah thesis. You failed your thesis. Not me. Apa gunanya jadinya lo tahu ada yang salah atau minta maaf? Atau sebenarnya lo ga ngerasa salah, Cuma pengen ngusir gw dari percakapan berkepanjangan karena ga nyaman? Connecting with new people and your old bf lebih nyaman sekarang so, buang Hakmer jauh jauh. Make sure he doesn’t know. Say sorry so this is over soon. Gitu kah? Did you try? Did you evenbother? Pernah terlintas di kepala? Setelah lo ngaku salah, pernah kepikiran hati gw gimana? You think it helps having sorries? It frustrates me.

Did you even risk yourself the inconvenience of dealing with your own guilt and ask me “Hey, how are you. Are you feeling better?” Ga pernah kan?

Kalau memang ada baiknya, how come you treat me the other way? How come you treat me bad? Karena lo reconnect dengan a*** lagi? Lagi-lagi lo ngelindungi orang lain on my expense. Seberapa flattering-nya itu buat mereka? Buat h*****, and a*** too. First you let me take the blame for them, second, you lie to me for them. Kayak dulu, gw dituduh sebagai yang duluan nge-add dia di twitter sama FB and you chose to doubt me? He blabbered about you to your parents and I got the blame? Now you reconnect with him you couldn’t even be honest?

Don’t make a sacrifice out of people. Not of me especially. Sarah Cuma butuh satu kata untuk buat gw marah besar dan dua tahun, dua tahun gw sakit hati and still it hasn’t heal back then. Cuma kata “piaraan.” I don’t take insults well, orang yang ga bisa melihat keadaan dan menyalahkan orang yang ga salah, ga ngelihat gimana gw udah nahan banyak, it’s insulting if you think the best way is to not be honest and to hide. It’s insulting to be called bad influence after trying to help you admit that you have wants and you’ve been denying it. Kayak air susu dibalas air tuba.

Kalau ada baiknya, how come you treat me bad? Apa itu yang lo lakukan dengan orang yang baik ke lo? Lo takutin lalu lo hina? Lo kucilin? Lo usir? Lo tipu? Bohongin? Ambigu bukan?

“Iya, gw ga tahu, gw berubah jad sesuatu yang ga lebih baik. Bisakah kita ngobrol kayak gini aja? Jangan emosian dan ga tenang kayak tadi.”

At this moment still about “Mer, I can’t take harsh words.”? Ya jelas gw bilang “emang mau ngomongin apa lagi. Gw ga tahu mau ngomongin apa lagi. Gw udah bilang apa yang gw mau bilang.” It’s really-really offensive to me. I feel offended at the sheer selfishness. Kenapa itu masih soal lo? Who cares about manner saat dalam percakapan yang sama, lo juga udah teriak “Anjing!” saat gw masih “Gw bisa cakap kotor ga sih?” Unlike you, I do think of how offensive I might be to whomever I wastalking to but by being reasonable. Has it ever occure to you, kalau gw emosian karena gw udah nyoba cara yang benar dan lo ga ngerespon, non cooperatif? Udah berkali-kali sebelumnya gw berusaha bahas, dengan sopan, tanpa harus marah-marah, ada lo dengerin. Dan sekarang lo ngeluh karena gw emosian, marah-marah? Anehnya justru yang marah-marah yang lo dengerin. You took me for granted.

Did you really think I want to talk that way? I don’t want to but you frustrate me that much. You blamed me, treated me all wrong.

Point is, of all the things you say. Did you ever take responsibility of the pain you caused me? No you didn’t. That’s why I had to block your twitter. and that’s why I say it’s the end, the last time. Because you made me feel so empty I can’t feel my own pain, and when I do it’s overwhelming. Because you weren’t trying to fix things, because you didn’t think that you had to do anything when you hurt people, or when you say things untrue. You didn’t promise a relief for pain for these things that escalated. There’s no offer for remedy, and it takes your decision to do that and not me reminding you because I’ve tried and it was already like I was begging I couldn’t do that anymore. It defeats the purpose. Ketika lo dikasi pilihan, gw appreciate bahwa lo punya pilihan, lo memilih yang salah. ketika lo diteriakin, dilaporin, initially di di bawah pengaruh alkohol, atau punya pengalaman yang berbau ke arah situ, tiba-tiba lo cuma keseret buat keputusan berdasar apa orang mau ga peduli benar atau salah. I don’t want to have to force you, controlling your every choices, so I quit. I don’t want to be evil. You have to choose to be right, you have to choose to fix things and if not, than I give up. And you chose to just give up. Of course, karena ga ada benefitnya dengan gw. Perlu terlalu banyak effort. Ketika lo dikasi pilihan, gw ga bisa memutuskan buat lo. You hurt me, you didn’t try to heal me, and I’ve tried, but you think saying sorries and sugarcoated things are enough. So I stop, because you wouldn’t. You didn’t care about how I feel. You didn’t make the effort. My response is conditioned to yours. Even if I want to be around, you don’t need me, if you do why would you keep lying and keep pushing me away, and why did you stop at that, at keeping me at certain circles, not in, but somehow not out either? You didn’t even want to communicate.

If only we still communicate, if only we still talk, I might ignore things because all I do need is a dose of you every now and then. But we started communicating with distrust, both on your end and mine. And I wish to change it but you wouldn’t. You did hurt me the very first time you said those things but I tried explaining them and you wouldn’t listen. I do still love you, but I can’t afford to be dumb, to hurt myself, and to see you talking to other people while at the same time you wouldn’t talk to me. The moment you go against your words, I couldn’t help but feeling angry, depressed, hurt, since it at the expense of me disappearing. I love you and you make me feel guilty for asking for the truth, and for feeling what i feel, and for leaving when you forced my hand by lying and not even trying to account for the pain I’m left with. I do still love you but I need respect, appreciation, and your attention. It’s those things that made me stay even knowing that there are times and there would be times when you’d blame me for mistakes I didn’t do. I’m not perfect, nor you. I know there are times you didn’t say about the bad things I did. But I can’t be like that. I expect you to be honest as I am and I try always to be. I need people I can trust and you, most of all from you I expected more. People who would do the right thing even when there’s no one watching, even with or without consequences. Even now that we won’t talk anymore I really really love you. I sure as hell won’t try cause I’ve tried. And I know you wont because the risk is too huge while i offer not much of benefit other than my feelings which doesnt count. So many things in here, inside of me I have to stop from pouring over. I’ll even be in the friendzone if only you were honest, I’ll even be in the 3rd wheel if you were open. Even a friend must be respected though. I knwo whatever I felt back then for Sarah, now that I talk to her again, whatever I had for her, it’s really small compare to what I have now for you. You are irreplaceable, and such that the pain is also irreparable. Unless it’s you who tend it and you won’t. Love is a silly thing. I am silly. and you are pretty, very pretty. A goddess. You are all that I want in my life but let’s face it, I cannot afford it, and you won’t try. You told me I wasn’t fun anymore. Of course, you wouldn’t open up, suddenly you have your secrets. You pushed me away and all those things you say, I started seeing them for what they are. I’ll fool myself for you if you were honest. All these things in me, they’re huge. You stopped it from flowing and now it pours. I needed it to keep flowing. I needed my goddess somewhere I can reach her. I do want to be fun, the way it was when we first met. But not when you cut me off, not when I can’t talk to you. I don’t want to be standing somewhere not being seen. My being happy when talking to you can only be shared with you, can only have meaning with you, so when I’m happy and I can’t share it goes as empty. My love can handle a few things but it’s at heart selfish, it needed constant presence and with that price, you can pretty much have all of me. I’m already cheap for you, you dont have to do much and you own me but I can’t handle being free aka being there gratis. I can’t be there not being talked to.

This is all I can think of right now, and it’s not all. Not that you will read it or if you’d care when you read it, it bores you I bet, but I might add things to it, maybe. So it’s not my last words about you after all. There’s still a lot to say but I’ve been at this for 3 days it’s tiring. Too much to say and it’s far from being composed or well-paced right now. My mind is still numb, my heart, if this is pain, then I’m not expressing it well enough. I can’t even cry. It hurts like hell when I feel it. And it felt empty when I don’t feel it. Either way, I don’t know what I feel right now. Is this sad, or anger. All I know, this is pain, and not feeling is in a way pain too. Like I’m not a person at all.

Text 3 Oct

I never give much credit to my friends majoring in Psychology or even practitioners knowing few lecturers who have limited knowledge in it and still follow old definitions that are already obsolete. If lecturers can fail miserably at it, of course my friends can fail at it too. In fact they chose work where they don’t have to talk about “psyche” at all cause they have to hide somehow the lack of knowledge. And it’s mostly not about knowledge. They are sort of too robotic when they are learning about the human psyche. Unless you’re in neuroscience, don’t be too clinical, cold and distant. That’s for me to do. They should act like friends, always how I envision it going against both Freud and Jung’s suggestion (well Jung is a bit unprincipled actually).

She: Bang Mer, apa abang ga ngasi special treatment ke sesuatu?

Me: Special treatment gimana maksudnya?

She: Ya, apapun yang abang rasain atau apapun penyebabnya.

Me: Gw ga ngerasa apa-apa, kan udah gw bilang.

She: Langkah pertama untuk meyelesaikan masalah harus terima dulu ada masalah.

Me: Hmmm. Gimana nih maksudnya? Gw kan ga bilang ga ada masalah. Gw bilang sesuatu terjadi dan rasanya tiba-tiba gw ga bisa ngerasa apa-apa. Gw kan ga bilang ga ada masalah. Kalau gw bisa nangis, lega, gw pengen. Cuma ga bisa. Ga terlalu ngerasa apa-apa. Kosong aja gitu. Ga pernah bilang ga ada masalah. Gw nelpon kan karena gw ngaku ada masalah, ga perlu gw bilang kan? Toh biasanya lo yang nangis-nangis nelpon gw.

She: Abang ngasi special treatment ke perasaan abang. Abang nge-block perasaan abang. Abang nyangkal perasaan abang.

Me: Hmmm. Kalau gw bisa ngerasa, gw bakal milih untuk ngerasa. Biar kayak ga ada yang nyangkut.

She: Kalau gue tanya, ada ga hal-hal yang ngingatin abang soal ini yang abang hilangin, masukin ke kotak biar abang ga lihat atau sejenisnya?

Me: Hmmm. Lanjut dulu.

She: Kan bukan orang yang bisa bilang “beres” ke diri sendiri loh bang. Bukan orang yang bisa bohong atau men-sugesti diri sendiri, ga pernah bisa sesuatu itu terkubur, bang Mer… … . . (stop at that.)

Me: Gw bingung deh sama teman-teman gw yang anak-anak psikologi. Ga pernah jelas.

She: Ya, ga punya penjelasan lagi. Abang nyangkal diri.

Me: Bukannya ada saat dimana sesuatu bisa berlebihan? Ngerusak?

She: Tapi bisa diam aja kan, biarin ngalir. Ga harus nutup.

Me: Lo kayak tau apa-apa aja. Nutup.

She: Ya maksud gw, abang ga harus ngambil tindakan apa-apa. Ga harus selalu merespon terhadap keadaan.

Me: Bukannya dengan gw dingin, udah kek gitu?

She: Apa bener dingin, bang?

Me: Mikir (krik krik krik)

She: Kalau merasa sakit terus ngasi special treatment ke rasa sakit, jadiin itu penting dengan memperlakukan rasa sakitnya berbeda dengan rasa lain, berarti rasa sakit itu masih penting. Kalau terus dipentingin, kalau perilaku abang terus spesial ke satu hal, ya itu jadi pusat dunia abang. Dan semakin besar itu, semakin abang nyangkal, semakin abang ga tahu, semakin abang buat tembok buat ngelindungi diri.

Me: … … … .

She: Jangan nyiksa diri sendiri. Jangan nganggap sesuatu itu berbeda dengan yang lain. Kalau tergores, luka, pake Hansaplast, jangan bilang “kok ga terasa ya?” Ya nanti abang ga bakal bilang apa-apa tapi sembunyi-sembunyi bakal ngorek luka, tusuk jarum lah, bakar tanganlah, biar ngerasa sesuatu di situ. Yang ada makin luka, walaupun ga sakit, tapi badan abang makin parah, bang Mer. Jangan cobai diri sendiri.

(Jangan cobai diri sendiri. See? These kinds of things is what I expected from people majoring in psychology yet most of the time they are just dumb. Keyword: cobai; synonym: test. Don’t test yourself just to see if you’re human. What does it matter?)

Not that I understand what’s going on, but that helped me to feel better, slightly better. Don’t think of pain as something special. I shouldn’t I guess. But again, I don’t even feel that much. Let me learn slowly to be like you people. But no, I’m not torturing people. It’s my GO TO response to not feel when it’s huge for me, be it painful or joyful. Such thing rarely happen though.

Photo 26 Sep only for those who know who Virginia Woolf is and the story behind this

only for those who know who Virginia Woolf is and the story behind this

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